My Daughter thinks I have too many rules…And Is STRESSED because of me…Now What?
Category : Featured
The Challenge: Update about 16D: Past 24 hrs have been awful for me (single parent with no family or close friends near me and her father ignores her). So after a confrontation last week (on Thursday morning) about her stealing my friends earrings last weekend (and she refuses to admit it was stealing..just borrowing!) I took away her xbox and we got into a huge fight after she claimed I have too many rules and she hates living here and says it’s been a toxic homelife for a while now (because of me of course) and refused to talk to a counselor with me about this because all her stress revolves around me. She said if I have to kick her out so be it. So I tried to reach her counselors (there are 3 in the counselling office..1 she sees every week but she cant talk to me about her without my daughters permission and 2 crisis counselors who’ve known us for the past 2 years and know about my daughters history and issues) but the 2 were on training thursday and Friday so I tried to keep the peace as best I could til Monday but on Sunday morning I woke up to the smell of pot near my daughter’s room. Long story but I confiscated a ton of pot as well as an iPhone (no idea whose it is) and some cbd that she took of mine (it has thc in it. I bought last October for pain after my car accident but only used a bit of it since it didnt work for me). She freaked out and didn’t want to give the pot to me at all but I ended up getting it eventually after she tried to hide it). This happened at 9am and she was supposed to work at noon. After I took her phone and laptop) she took off and never ended up going to work so will of course be fired now. Also..I called all over to try and find her and her friends parents ended up finding her at the mall after 5pm and she refused to come home but said she would go home sometime that night. The friends parents didn’t want to leave her at the mall so asked me if she could stay with them and I said of course so she agreed to go there for a while. But later around 730 or 830 she refused to go home still so I arranged for her to go to another friends place and her friends parents dropped her off at the other place around 9pm. Between the stealing, not taking responsibility for anything shes done, the disrespect and not willing to follow the rules at all, the ton of pot thing plus the taking off and skipping work AND what she said to her friend in the texts about being self destructive and not caring (may have only said that for attention), I know she’s out of control and I don’t know what to do about it. I do know she needs help but not sure what/how. I’m STILL waiting to hear from the counselor but my daughter has a meeting with her regular counselor at
4pm so I wanted her regular counselor to have talked to the crisis counsellor by then and discuss her options.. if shes coming home or not etc. I don’t know if my daughter will be coming home later or not. No idea what to do.
The FEEDBACK #1 : I had similar challenges with my boys. They are looking to find anything they can control in life. Because as a teenager they feel like nothing is in their control. You are not going to be able to control her. She is searching for her identity. Remember your teenage years. Now multiply that pressure by 100x. Smoking pot…etc..etc. You need to find a way to build rapport with her, learn her language, identify with the crisis she is in. If you are doing x. Then do the complete opposite. Resourcefulness is the key to a relation shift. At some point you have to let her fail so she will begin to understand consequences of poor decision making. That could come in the form of an arrest or something else. What is the worst thing that could happen if she doesn’t come home? In the end we can only control our own actions and how we perceive a situation. I lost my son 4 years ago and in the end all the choices our kids make in the end our theirs and not ours. What are you doing to reduce the stress in your life? Remember that this is your life and you need to find ways to create some peace and space in your world. Sorry so long. Like every stressful event in life. This too shall pass
RESPONSE #1 no that was well said and this is the way I’m looking at it now too after a friend and counselor also pointed out that she’s losing control of everything in her life (her friends ditching her and her father ignoring her etc) so she’s looking to feel in control and although I can’t let her walk all over me I can help her feel in co trol of some parts of her life maybe a s work with her to feel loved regardless. So I brainstormed with my best friend last night and came up with a possible approach that may work.. as long as shes willing to come home and give it one more try. Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate it.
FEEDBACK #2 you got it. Resourcefulness. Use every opportunity you can to express how much you love her and understand her world. I loved tell
My boys how much I screwed up when I was a teen. So they don’t see us as this immortal being. They see we are human and that we have faults. Being vulnerable is an amazing way to build rapport with teens. You could also try some reflective listening which you can find on Dr. Google.
RESPONSE #2 thanks I will try to do that …if we can get her to come home at all to try again
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Warriors Of Life Institute
Parenting Strategist, Teen Mentor & Author