Dear Coach Richie: Hi! I don’t know how to deal with my 14 years old daughter. She hates me so much because I moved in other country and she’s going now to a new school. She refuses to make new friends, she doesn’t want to speak at all with her new classmates and keep talking all day with her old friends on her phone/internet. She lies to me every single day, if I ask her to do homework or learn something she starts crying and treatened me that she will kill herself. Our house became a madhouse 😭 .
Whatever I talked to her it’s not working, today she took pictures with me and she was laughing with her friends about me 😭
If I shout at her she accusses me of abuse, if I ask her to leave a bit her phone she start crying, she’s crying everyday in the last 2 months.
I don’t know what to do 😭
Coach RICHIE: Have you acknowledged how she feels and sympathized with her? Teenagers entire worlds revolve around their friends. It took them a tremendous amount of work to fit in with a specific peer group to find her identity and become one of them. She feels like her entire world has come to an end. Because of the effort she put in…she feels like she is starting over from square one. As parents we understand why we have to do things but teenagers only see how it is impacting their life. Because that is really all they have is their peers. They live and die by them. Remember when we were teenagers? How important our friends were to us. What would you have done or how would you have reacted if you were moved to another country. The first step in this challenge is acknowledging her feelings, how upset she is. She doesn’t want to hear…you will make new friends, etc. She doesn’t want to hear how it will be better. She is coming from a place where her entire world has been destroyed. So first thing I would do is find a way to acknowledge her feelings, respect her feelings and understand why she is angry. She is going to lie, threaten and manipulate you because in her eyes that is what you had done to her. Sorry. That is how the teenage mind works. Try to stop talking at her and just start listening to her. You have a huge void to cross in trying to get her to trust you and be your friend. You can’t be friends with someone that is always talking at you. Just start listening to her and don’t say anything. A lot of um’s and I see’s will work wonder’s here. She is hurt and feels alone and just wants someone to understand how she feels. BE SOFT. Soft language, go to her with love in your heart. No matter how angry she gets. see the little girl in her that is hurt. I would not even mention making new friends with her. She will figure it out or she won’t. The teenager needs to have peers in their lives. It is unfortunately how they cope and survive. They use them to tell all their problems to because they don’t feel like they can trust their parents. So if you were her right now. Put yourself in her shoes back when you were age. What do you need now? What would you want your parent to say to you or do for you to help you through this difficult transition in your life? That is where you will find your answers. You have the answers inside of you. you know what you need to do but in times of crisis like this we let our emotions take over and they cloud our judgment and as a result we make poor choices that push them further away. What does she need right now? You also have to keep trying different things and all your approaches need to come from a space of love and tenderness. Remember SOFT always wins. Just remember. This too shall pass. You can love them or control them but you can’t do both. All my love and support. Coach Richie
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