Dear Coach Richie: Grrrr!!!!!
Today’s my 20 year old daughter’s midterm. She’s currently in bed with a headache, not going to college class today.
I’m angry because she has medication to help with headaches but didn’t think to take them, and has had this headache sense last night. (Her words). I told her to take them and get her ass to school. She told me her teacher already excused her and told her to send her test in, (She has to tell a story in sign language).
If this was an event that was important to her, she’d take her meds and muscle through it. (An event such as a party, hanging out with her friends, something fun to do). She was hanging out with friends all day yesterday. She should’ve been studying.
I want to shake some sense into her! She’s missed 3 days of college in 3 months. Her classes are for an hour two days a week. Ugh! It’s so hard to “parent” an adult. I put quotations around the word parent because I can’t parent an adult.
Coach Richie: Yes, Parenting an adult is almost as challenging as living with an adult child. What makes you so angry about her not taking her medications. Isn’t she old enough to deal with a headache? It is her head that hurts? Why are you letting that effect your state of mind? Do you think she is going to listen to you when you tell he to take them? Would you listen to your mom if she ordered you around that way? She probably sees that as a sign of control. That is sometimes why they will suffer with things just to prove you have no control of them or what they do. My leg is broken and I am not going to the doctor because you said I should. Ok then….let them suffer and be ok with it because they are adults. Not mature but that comes with time. Typically over 26 years old for most children. Maybe she doesn’t care about college? Does she really want to go? I don’t know many people that really liked school. I would have much rather hung out with my friends as well. Why should have she been studying? Do you not believe she is capable of doing the work? Are you a mind reader? We parents are typically guilty of that. I was for years when my kids were that age. What are you afraid of really? That she won’t graduate and will live with you until she is 70? Really what are you afraid of? I would ask myself that question when I want to interfere with her life and decisions. Because she clearly doesn’t care. You want to shake some sense in to her. Listen to the language you are using. Do you really thinks that is what she needs? What if you tried for a couple of weeks not to parent an adult? What if you started to take the pressure off of yourself and off of her and let things be. Honestly, don’t you think she is going to do whatever she wants anyway. The only thing you will get out of it is additional stress, frustration and her wanting to run away from you. The hardest thing we can do as parents is let our older adult children be. Give them the freedom to make mistakes, experience their own lives and cope with the consequences of poor decisions and lack of action. That is a gift we can give to them that will make our lives so much easier. When we let go of the reigns a little bit we make more space in our own lives for more happiness and less needing to shake them out of it. As parents that is all we want is the best for our children and sometimes what is best for them is for us to take a back seat to the life they want to lead. You are an awesome mom with an abundance of love and passion for your daughter well being. Whatever happens you have made the right choice. You got this. 🤘
Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org . Always anonymous.