Are we pressuring our child

Are we pressuring our child?

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: My 11 year old son is having a play and he has told me very strongly that he does not want me or his father there. I have tried talking with him about it but he will not tell us the reason why. I’m guessing it’s because he’s afraid of messing up in front of us, but he won’t tell us. Are we pressuring our child? I can’t tell you how sad this makes me. I mean all parents go to their kids activities. I’m paying for the costume and I feel like I have a right to go see him. Should we honor his ask? We’d probably be the only parents not there.

COACH RICHIE: That is the question. Are you pressuring your child? What do you think the reason is for him to be afraid of messing up? Was there an incident in the past that he is pulling from that would make him hesitant? What about if you had a conversation with him about a time in your past or present when you messed up? Our children sometimes look at us like GOD’s. we are perfect we never make mistakes. When we show them we aren’t perfect sometimes that is enough to open the door to allow them to be vulnerable as well. Boys are typically raised to hide their emotions because they have to be strong.

I have no idea what the dynamic is in your house. But my house was we couldn’t show any sign of weakness. However, if you open up a little bit about a personal experience where you messed up he will see that he is not alone and we all mess up and it never matters. It would be also great if his dad shared something like this. All he wants is your approval and doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. Just one more thing.You mentioned because you are paying for the costume that you have the right to see him in the play? Do you believe that is true? Do you really believe that this is our right as a parent just because we pay for something for them? So when we purchase something for our kids it comes with conditions? I don’t think they are really aware of that.

I did it with my kids when they were younger not even knowing I was doing it. What do you think he needs to hear from you and his dad right now? What do you think he is really afraid of? What would you need if you were in his shoes? Hope you find something here that helps. We can love them or control them but we can’t do both. 🤘

All my love and support on your parenting Journey

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Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
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How to communicate with an angry teenager

Daughter keeps sneaking out of the house

Daughter keeps sneaking out of the house

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: My Daughter keeps sneaking out of the house.For the most part her grades are great and she is a good kid. She is like your average teen likes to hide in her room. She has another home with my ex.
She has a friend that was born to a mother with mental disabilities. Her and her siblings were all adopted into one home many years ago! All the kids have some kind behavioral issues.

My daughter stayed the night at her house a couple weekends ago. They snuck out and went to be with another female friend, whose parents were drunk. The following weekend my daughter goes to her dads house on Saturday.

My spouse and I went out to a Halloween party on Friday. While we were gone at the party, her friend somehow gets a ride to our house. Her friends mom contacts me on Saturday and asks if my daughter has seen or talked to her daughter, she snuck out again and hasn’t come home. I ask my daughter and she says no. My daughter goes to her dads as normal. Her friends mom contacts me again and let me know their daughter has been found and they took her to the ER to be sent to treatment again.

They were going through their daughters phone and tells me their daughter was at my house Saturday. So I slept on this for a while. I really shouldn’t have. I spoke to my daughter, while she’s at her dads.
Her friend stayed the night at our house, the night we went to the Halloween party. I’m shocked! I have no idea how to really move forward with consequences.

COACH RICHIE: Your daughters world sounds very challenging. When you say my daughter keeps sneaking out of the house. Is she doing it chronically? She has two homes which comes with it’s own sets of challenges. Before going down the consequences route. Have you taken some time to understand your daughters world? When parents get divorced children now matter how many times we tell them it is not about them they feel as though it is them. All they want is their family to be together and now they are not and It sounds like you are remarried.

Which creates more turmoil for a teenager. She may feel like she really doesn’t belong anywhere. Do you and your ex have different sets of rules and consequences for your daughter? This is another challenge for divorced parents as they try to make up for the fact that the family is not together any longer so they over compensate by bending and breaking the rules thinking that will give their child a break. When children disconnect from their parents they find solace, support and guidance from their teen tribe. When this happens this is when bad behavior starts and is usually just the beginning.

They disconnect for many reasons, divorce and family split up is one of them because they feel as though they don’t really belong anywhere or maybe because parents are so busy getting their new lives going they forget about the children. When children become teenagers we believe they are self sufficient and they can care for themselves and that is untrue. They need us more than ever to be their compass point in life. The teen tribe cannot give our children what they need the most. A chance to discover their own identity and to find themselves. Teen tribes only mission is to have everyone be like them. Bad in school, smoking, doing drugs, sneaking out and typically hating their parents. I have seen times when children of divorced parents attempt suicide, get arrested, etc. why?

Because in their minds they think that if they get all the attention on themselves the parents may find a way to reconcile for the trouble child’s sake. Or if they are still together stop fighting with each other to focus on the trouble their child is getting into. So what do you think your daughter needs right in this moment from all her parents? When you want to break through their masks the best way to do that is to flip the tables and tell them you have been a terrible parent and apologize for not being their for them.

Because 9 out of 10 times that is what they are thinking and they act out because they are not mature enough with their emotions to express themselves. So instead of them sharing we get a troubled teen. When you do speak with her, just listen because sometimes that is all they need.

A parent that listens and is not going to fix, judge, advise, lecture or try and rescue them. Acknowledge her feelings and ask her what you all can do to be better parents and be there for her. Sorry for the long response. Hopefully you can find something here. You got this all day long. We can love them or control them but we can’t do both

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Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.


Daughter has no emotional intelligence

Daughter has no emotional intelligence

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: I feel like my 13 year old daughter has no emotional intelligence. She only cares about herself and what she wants. She thinks of nobody else in our family. She says mean things to all of us, she’s always wants the most expensive meal in a restaurant, the biggest gifts, the best clothes but does nothing around the house to help us. Answers back and is very disrespectfully

My son who is 11 does chores with being asked, helps me and is generally very well behaved. I don’t feel like I parent him any differently

It’s like the worse she is the better he is and vice versa.

I’m running out of patience with her. We try not to yell and we never hit her but I feel like I could explode with anger and frustration some days. Mostly I just cry when she can’t see me.

COACH RICHIE:A couple of questions. When you say your daughter has no emotional intelligence. Have you ever compared your daughter to your son? Because he does chores, etc.? You mentioned that she can’t see you. Are you seeing her? What actually is emotional intelligence? We have so many expectations for our children and when they don’t live up to the way we thought we should parent them that is when we get upset. Do you think she needs to be parented differently than your son? We have to meet our children where they are?

They are all different and need different things? What do you think your daughter needs right now in her life? When teenagers act out there is typically a root cause. Troubles at school, friends or at home. Teenagers are learning about their emotions and can only have one emotion at at time. Love or hate, Sad or happy, hot or cold. So when they encounter challenges in life they don’t know how to express themselves. We see this as lack of emotion, etc. However, it is because they just haven’t figured it out yet. We are adults and for the most part most of us have figured it out so we see our children through these filters which makes us think there is something wrong with them. I would start with some questions for myself.

What is going on in her world that could be causing this behavior? Is she not getting enough attention…too much attention..has she become disconnected from us as parents. Found a teen tribe to connect to that is bad news. The easiest way to reach a teen that is disconnected is to have a conversation with them and tell them what they are thinking. Yes….Have a chat with her…preferably out of the house (that is not neutral territory) place she likes to eat, etc. Or in the car.

Before the chat think of 3 things that you know she thinks of you. Whatever they are. Then script the conversation as such. I know you feel like I am a bad parent because I don’t listen to you (whatever you think she is thinking). I believe that makes you feel very angry and say hurtful things. Then say. “Is this true”. Then give her some space to talk. Don’t deny, judge, fix, or rescue. Just listen to what she says. Then she will either tell you it’s true or she will tell you what you are doing wrong.

Because we are always wrong…(Right? 😄) Then ask her how bad it gets for her when you don’t listen to her (remember what she thinks). Then give her more space to think. Then after she speaks wrap it up with. Would you be able to help me better listen, understand, see, hear you (whatever that is) so you don’t feel (insert emotion) . Hope this helps. We can love them or control them but we can’t do both. We sometimes have to just do things differently by Parenting. out of the box. You got this all day long. 🤘

LICK HERE TO GET YOUR FREE HOW TO RAISE A SUCCESSFUL TEEN MASTERCLASS

Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.


Teenager won't grow up

Teenager won’t grow up

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: My 18 year teenager won’t grow up? She’s acting so entitled, dropped out of college, has 2 jobs but between them doesn’t work full time. I have started charging her rent since she dropped out of college and asked her to clean her room, do one thing each day to help with the house, clean up after herself and do a load of her laundry a week or I cut off the Internet.

She’s so mad that I’m charging her rent because, in her words “I know she’s broke” but she can get a tattoo every time she gets paid and spend every dime she has the day she gets paid. And I’m the bad guy?!? I’m trying tough love but it’s not getting very far when she has $5 in her account to last her until next payday. She has major depression and I’ve found a therapist for her and we’re trying to switch her depression medication. I’m at a loss.

COACH RICHIE: I feel your pain. Teenager won’t grow up is a common complaint from parents. However, as parents it is our not job to get them to grow up. They are on their own journey in life and they will grow up when it is their time to. When we force them they resist because it is not what they need in the moment. We want the best for our children and sometimes the best thing is to let them be and find their own way. Tough love never works. What do they learn from tough love? When I am depressed the people that are supposed to love me take things away from me.

A couple of questions you can ask yourself. What do you fear the most of her not growing up? What does that mean for your life if she fails at it? As parents we sometimes make it all about our own egos. We can’t help it. Our parents did it to us so we just pay it forward. Charging her rent is great. especially if she just works. This an an opportunity to teach her about life and paying rent is part of life. Have you asked yourself why you care so much about her only having $7 in the bank? Does that really effect your life? Instead of asking her to do all the things around the house or suffer a loss of wifi. What if approached it in a different way? Are you being specific with your requests? Do they have a due date?

Have you asked her to vacuum the living room and then said when do you think you will have that done by? Timeline. They need timelines. If she says by dinner. Then say . Great. Then i am expecting that the living room will be vacuumed by dinner. The most important aspect of being a parent is dropping the expectations of the parent that we thought we would be. Instead becoming the parent that our children need us to be.

When we push them too much (Tough Love) we end up pushing them out of our lives and without the connection to us leaves them with not many good options. Latin word for discipline is teaching. In what ways can you help teach her how to become an adult without resorting to taking things away and all the arguing and fighting that happens as a result. we only have one chance to get this right with our children.

The more we questions our own thoughts and ego about how we are parenting and what our expectations we have for our children the better off everyone is. So one last question that you could ask yourself. What expectations did I have for my child that she is not fulfilling which is creating negative emotions in my own life? What can I do to let go of the wheel and let her figure things out. When we let go of the wheel a little bit they realize all these life lessons and learning opportunities. Teaching time.

They learn problem solving skills, coping with challenges, becoming mature and most importantly they get wisdom through failing, falling down and getting back up again. You got this all day long. I hope you find something here that helps you out. We can love them or control them but we can’t do both. It is their journey and we are merely passengers here to love, guide, support and mentor them we are not in control of their destiny in life only to help them stay on the road.

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FREE HOW TO RAISE A SUCCESSFUL TEEN MASTERCLASS

Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.


My Child is cutting herself

My child is cutting herself

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: I need some help.  my children are completely disconnected I mean they wont help at all they have the same chores they wont due till I lose my shit  they refuse to clean their room but they stayed glued to the phones 24/7 I mean my 11 year old child is cutting herself If I threaten the phones they say they will die or they will go sit on the highway  we have a lot of land, ATV’s, ETC.

I’d buy them horses but I don’t want to take care of them to and I know they wont so how many have taken all electronics away from there kids and for how long I was thinking I’d keep the phones at the end of the day after chores homework and baths they could have 1hr of phone time if all was done correctly.. but I’m also nervous this will make them even more lazy just to drive me nuts

COACH RICHIE: So sorry to hear about the challenges you are having with your children. Parenting is the toughest job on the planet. Aside from the chores it sounds like your 11 year old is having some major troubles. When you say the my child is cutting herself. Cutting is a sign of suppressing ones emotions. Punishment typically does not work. It only pushes them further away from us. Couple of questions to ask yourself. Why is getting them to clean their room so important to you?

My wife would go ape shit and I would just close the door. it is there room and as long as I don’t see rats walking around in the house it really wasn’t enough to stress me out and make me lose my shit. When you were a child did you have to clean your room? . When you were young did you have a lot of rules and chores in the house? If so, how did it make you feel having to do those things, when sometimes kids just want to be kids. When we take things away from children it makes them even angrier because those little devices are what is connecting them to the outside world (especially their friends, Teen Tribe).

We need to understand as parents that although we created these little creatures we certainly don’t own them. That also means when we think we own them and we shout orders at them how do we think they feel about that? Like we are trying to control them. Especially children approaching their teenage years. So that aside the pressing things is your comment about my daughter is cutting herself. She is cutting to release painful emotions. Some trauma in her life that she is holding onto and when they cut it is a release because they can feel the pain. So for a moment how can you understand your 11 year old’s world? What do you think is the reason she is cutting?

What is going on in her life and why don’t you think she is talking to you about it? When we use language like losing our shit our children sometimes don’t want to see us in that state so they will shut down and hold it all in. Is she having challenges in school, troubles in the home, if you are married troubles in your relationship, troubles with siblings, troubles with their friends (boy or girl challenges). What about if you started doing something different with them.

What is the worst thing that could happen if you let them live in their pig sty room for a month or so? Without you saying a word to them? Without it making you crazy? Just popping into the room when they are in there and saying. Hi, just want to tell you how much I love that you are my child? Would that freak them out or what? If we want them to help around the house we need to be connected with them. Would you want to help someone out that you really didn’t like. Our kids feel this way when we punish them, take things away, order them around and lose our shit on them.

Your child that is cutting. Have you spoken to her one on one and asked her about what she is feeling? She may be depressed and not feel like cleaning her room or doing anything else. Depression doesn’t give us energy. It drains us of everything we have. So how do you get through to her. Share with her a story of a time when you had a challenge in life past or present that made you sad, depressed, angry, etc. Come from your heart when speaking with her and don’t need anything in return at the moment. if she speaks just listed to her and if she shares a feeling don’t deny or ignore it. acknowledge how she feels about what is going on. The next conversation you could open up with something like. I am trying to understand how you feel.

Then throw yourself under the bus. It works almost every time. Tell her you know that you are not listening to her or understanding her and say. I believe this is possibly why you are feeling angry with me. I usually try to think of 3 things my kids think of me that they are thinking and tell it to them. Then ask her is this true? She will either say yes or correct you and tell you what you are doing wrong. in their minds we are always doing something wrong.

But the way to have loving connections with our children is to listen when they speak and not be quick to judge, lecture, rescue or advise. Just listen to them because now is the time when they need us them most. When they are in crisis and when you say that my daughter is cutting herself it may be time to get some professional help involved.When we accept our children’s behavior in the moment we can accept the person they are and start learning how to become the parent they need us to be instead of the parent we had dreams of being. You got this. all day mom. We can love them or control them but we can’t do both.

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FREE HOW TO RAISE A SUCCESSFUL TEEN MASTERCLASS

Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.