DEAR COACH RICHIE: Dad kicks daughter out of the house. My daughter and husband her step dad got into big fight yesterday and she is almost 18. She has been very disrespectful to him over the last couple of months. Well tonight he went off and on and basically kicked her out of the house while I was at work.He does not want her back. At this point I feel like I need to move out and get a place. She is my child and he is being an asshole.
COACH RICHIE: So sorry to hear about your challenges. You are in a very difficult situation. When a dad kicks daughter out of the house the first thing I would ask is if your husband is aware of the consequences of this action? Children that run away and get kicked out of the house end up in very bad spaces. I work with young adults that had similar challenges. running away and getting kicked out. Does your husband know where a majority of them end up? Addicted to drugs, prostitution, Prison, homeless shelters and much more.
When we think about the consequences of our actions can we live with them. He may not be thinking about it now. But what would a life look like for the both of you if something really bad happened to your daughter. I will answer that because I lost my son 5 years ago. Your world would end as you know it. You will think about that decision every day for the rest of your life. The guilt will eat at you every moment until you wish that you could have that decision back again. Thankfully, when our son passed we had an amazing relationship and had no regrets. I speak to so many parents that the last communication with their child was one of anger and hatred. They live a life fueled with guilt. Sometimes you don’t get a second chance to do it over again. Ask your husband this one question. How would you feel tomorrow if your daughter left the house and something really bad happened to her.
Best to create emotion for him and bring him to that space where he will question his choices. Tell him the worst scenario you could ever imagine and tell it to him. Tell him how it would impact your life and your world. Then ask him if that is what he really wants. This question will take him out of his reptile brain and propel him to his human brain where he can think logically. When we are in the middle of anger and frustration we are in freeze, flight or fight mode. In this mode there is no reasoning that is what causes us to be pigheaded and make irrational decisions. Sorry. Trying to read your post and give you some feedback at the same time. Step dad just noticed this. That is a big challenge for her.
She possibly doesn’t see him as her real dad and may not respect him for one reason or another. Therefore, you are in a really tough situation. They are almost forcing you to choose one or the other and that is not fair. Your husband really needs to be an adult and be mature than he is. Therefore, you may have to ask yourself the question above as well. If she leaves are you ok with the consequences of that? It sounds like they need to communicate and you are in the middle again. You moms always get the tough end of the stick. You may be able to get them to communicate by having them tell each other what their needs really are.
Have your husband tell your daughter what he thinks she is thinking about him. Then have your daughter do the same to your husband. Communication failures happen when we assume and mind read what others are thinking. To communicate we need to tell the truth and put it all out there. Holding things in manifest into challenges like this. This may be one of the only ways you are going to get them to patch things up. If not you have a hard decision to make. Hope something here helps.
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