DEAR COACH RICHIE:Teen breaks down door in angry rage. Last night my son threw a frustration strop as he’d been asked to put his shoes away. Slammed a door repeatedly so hard he broke then door off the hinges.
Thoughts on suitable punishment. He’s 14 years old and big for his age. Any advice would be very welcomed as I parent along and don’t have any support from anyone else. Thank you
COACH RICHIE: Wow. Teen breaks down door in angry rage is what a lot of parents are struggling with these days. That is really difficult when they start destroying our home but before punishment what about having a talk with him? To try and understand what is at the root of his anger. When our children act out they are trying to tell us that their is something going wrong in their world or burying emotions that want to surface. Punishment will only create more anger, revenge fueled fantasies and push his troubles deeper inside. Down the road things will get a lot worse than just broken doors. Talking with him and getting to the root of his problem is the key to helping him get in touch with his feelings and open up to you. The approach to our children when they are angry and destructive needs to be one of compassion and empathy.
They are in trouble and they don’t know how to ask for our help. Therefore, it comes out in yelling, screaming, door slamming, wall punching, drug use, hanging around with bad influences, failing in school to name a few. To really guide our children we need to be the mature role model and approach them from a place where we can coach them through their challenges and help them. The present problem is not really the door is it? That is just a thing? So it’s broken. We need to be more worried about what is broken with our children? What we need to do more of is be in their presence and try to understand all the chaos that is going on in their life.
Then speak to them human to human and not try to control them. Once they begin seeing us a human they will start to empathize with us and no more broken doors and all the drama that comes along with it. One question that I would ask myself. What does my child need in this moment that I am not giving him? Second question I would ask myself. What are my emotions like when I approach my child? Do I approach him in a controlling, anger, manipulating way? If so, how would I react if someone approached me in this same manner?
What we give out we get back. We approach them with anger we are going to get it back two fold with a bonus broken door. Parenting is the hardest job in the world but when we relate to our children from a human level things will become a lot better. It will open the door to allow them to come into our Parenting Sphere of Influence but we have to have a big warm smile with lots of love at the entrance of that door or they will be running the other way…and very fast. hope you find something here that helps.
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