Will punishment get my teenager to go to school

Will punishment get my teenager to listen

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: Will punishment get my teenager to listen. My daughter is 18 and moved in with her father about 8 months ago, she still has a year and half to go in school. I took her Car away for about 3 months because I’ve paid for an oil change twice that she never got. I just gave it back to her this weekend after getting her to clean it out and get the oil change which I paid for. I want to help the child out in life so I let her take the car back and was going to gift it to her in December.

But I got a call from the school she’s missed 14 days straight. Only showing up two of those days for partial days. she has an excuse that she doesn’t feel well and she’s been sick, but 14 days. Should I take the car back. I didn’t know that I gave it back to her. she’s 18 and could drop out if she wants even though I don’t want that for her. Should I give her the car and wish her well and let her figure out life’s not that easy on her own, and maybe if nothing else she’ll have a car to go to work when she drops out, or should I take the car back yet again. I’ve asked family and they say they don’t know what they would do.

COACH RICHIE: No to your question. Will punishment get my teenager to listen. They never do what we want them to do. They have no idea that we have their best interest at heart. In this type of situation we have 2 options. We can give them the car with no strings attached or give them the car with a lot of strings attached. ie doing what we believe they are supposed to do. When we give them things with strings attached it is really not a gift. It is a rental providing they do things we want them to do. So it is not really a gift more than it is is a way to control them to do the things we want them to do. I gave both my son cars and washed my hands of it. That is it. I don’t care if they robbed banks with the cars.

They pay for insurance,oil changes, gas, brake downs, tows, etc. It is an opportunity for them to learn some life lessons. Let them figure things out. My son called me once from the highway with a flat tire (he was 17). I could of jumped in the car to rescue him. My wife and I did that in the past (a lot). This time I chose to use it as a teaching opportunity. He was in crisis and panicking. I asked him if he was hurt, bleeding was his leg ripped off? He said no. Then I asked him what he thinks he should do in this moment. Then gave him some time to think. He said. “Well I could call AAA“. He did and made it home. That was a teaching opportunity that would have been lost if I had jumped into the car to rescue him. Did that one before and the calls kept coming. Once I asked him what he should do. He became more resourceful and never called me for a car problem again.

Why do we want to setup ourselves and them for failure when we put conditions on things we want to give them. The question you need to ask ourselves. Do we want to give them the car no matter what else they do or don’t do? Am I giving her this car so I can control her behavior and make her do things she really doesn’t want to do? As parents we sometimes do things we think are the best interest for our children. However, they see it as control and sometimes that is exactly what we are trying to do to them in an innocent sort of way. We tell ourselves we are trying to teach them responsibility and such but what are we really trying to do? Make them do the things that we need them to do. The things that we had to do when we were their age.

Taking things away and then giving them back irritates them. That would irritate me but it is another form of control we use on them. When we accept our children for who they are in the moment that is the gift we give to them. Then we can accept the parent they need us to be instead of the one we fantasized about becoming. Do you want her to have the car with no strings attached? The decision is yours. Because if there are strings you both will never find peace and harmony together. Hope something here helps. Maybe a little bit too much. But my boys and their car days brought back some emotions.

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some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .

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Dealing with an entitled teenager

Teen is hanging around with the wrong crowd

Teen is hanging around with the wrong crowd

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: My teen is hanging around with the wrong crowd. How can we keep our 17 year old from hanging with these bad influences. I feel like I am failing as a parent. We have tried to talk to him but he won’t listen.

COACH RICHIE: It is so difficult to see watch when our teen is hanging around with the wrong crowd. There has to be a better question in there somewhere. That question is based on the belief that we have control over them. Taking our son away from a crowd. What would be a better question? What about how can I help my son see that the crowd he is hanging with will not help him become the emotionally strong human being that he needs to become in order to have a successful life?

When our teenagers start hanging around with people that are bad influences the usual cause is because they have become disconnected with us as parents. Too many reasons why this happens to list them here. So let’s assume he is disconnected. What do you think he needs most right now in his life? What do you think he may be having challenges with that is causing him to become a follower instead of a leader? Our children hook up with that teen tribe sometimes because they are scared of making decisions on their own and following others is an easy way to avoid making those hard decisions.

Ultimately it is their life and their choices. We are merely passengers on their journey. As parents we want the best for our children and want them to be successful and sometimes in moments like this they don’t want that. Then it cripples us with sadness, guilt and fear because we compound this challenge in the moment by stating they will become a failure as an adult. We can’t control them, we don’t own them and they are entitled to do whatever they want. When we do lose our connection with them and they turn to the dark side we have two choices. Number one.

Try to control them and tell them they shouldn’t hang out with those kids. (Then they do it anyway and they hate us for trying to control them). Number two. Give them the mentoring, love, support and coaching they need and give them the space to figure it out for themselves. Either way they are going to do what they want anyway. Why not stay on their good side and love them then having an enemy. if they want to hang out with those friends and we are fearful of that and we support their decisions when they do fall we can be their to help them up and reconnect with them and bring them into our parenting sphere of influence.

We have to remember that the lessons we allow them to learn are the lessons they have for life. By sheltering them and trying to control them we keep them from receiving these gifts. Some of these lessons are hard but that makes us who we are and when we strip that away from our children they don’t learn about life. The biggest life lessons are the hardest ones. A couple of questions you can ask yourself to take a little pressure off of you. What do I fear the most from him hanging around with this group? What have I already created in my mind for his future? Why do I feel as though I need to control this aspect of his life when he wants to be free to make his own decisions about who he wants to hang out with?

Who would i be as a mom if I didn’t hold onto this fear? Who would i be as a person without this fear? When we drop all of our expectations for our children it opens up a lot of space for not only them but for ourselves. We deserve a break to and worrying about things that we can’t control is a burden that we need not carry. In closing, when you speak with your son are you really listening to him. Far to often as parents we are quick to interrupt so we can insert our own advise, wisdom and lecturing into the conversation.

We want to give them a quick fix and all they really want is someone to hear them and not say a word. because if we listen to them they rarely ever ask us for advice. Hope something here helps. Mom you have to give yourself a little break because at the end of the day we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have and what we learned from our parents. So in the end the question is not why my teen is hanging around with the wrong crowd and how to get him to stop. It is what does he need in order for him to become reconnected to me as a parent.

All my love and support on your parenting journey

Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.

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my kids are out of control

My kids are out of control.

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: My kids are out of control. I am here crying and my husband took off because he cannot deal with children issues. Our daughter disconnected our home’s electrical power today for the second time. I am going to lose my mind. I will now spend the next several hours with no power and in the dark because of her out of control behavior.

Between my two kids 16,17 they have totaled 3 cars and my son has 3 moving violations. My son has paid for his last 2 tickets and is purchasing his own car. My daughter is a senior and She does well in school. They are good kids. I know they are. They are loved by school staff and always are the first to help out. But I feel like they are out of control and I don’t know what to do.

COACH RICHIE: My kids are out of control is putting it mildly. It also sounds like your husband wants to disengage which is not really supportive of him. When there are 2 parents they really need to parent as one. You don’t have an option as a parent to check out when things get tough. That is what parenting is all about. It really sounds like your daughter is looking for some attention. There is really not enough information here to know what is going on. There is something going on inside your home that is making her like this. Teenagers don’t take transformer boxes for no reasons. The first thing I would do would be to lock the door to wherever the transformer is. So what do you think your daughter needs this moment? She has something going on in her world that is causing her emotional troubles. She is acting out because deep inside she is crying for help. Teenagers use anger to mask their emotional troubles.

\Do you and your husband fight in the house? Is she having problems with friends? In order to get through to her and find out what is bother her you need to speak to her and listen. Don’t do it right after she takes away your electricity. You need to do it from a space of peace and love. When you are not fueled by rage. If you can get her to go out with you somewhere. to eat, etc. Start by sharing how you feel emotionally. be honest, be vulnerable and tell her everything. Hopefully, that will relieve some of her pressure and allow her to open up to you. If and when she opens up, don’t fix, rescue or advise her. Just listen with an open heart and acknowledge her feelings. Whatever they are. Once you have the communication lines open you can rebuild from there and hopefully she will stop the transformer robbing. Onto your boys. If they are totaling cars.

This may be a stupid question. But why are they getting more cars? Seems like a lot of enabling is going on? Why are you paying for the tickets? Why are you paying for the insurance that is double your house payment? Great that your son is purchasing his own car, etc. Are you going to keep paying for his insurance and I am not sure what state you are in. But you may need to look into the homestead act in case he gets into an accident and you get sued. so they won’t take your house. What would happen if you cancelled their insurance and told them they had to pay for it? Maybe they would start driving safer? That is amazing that the children are well behaved in school, etc. Unfortunately that doesn’t do you any good.

Have you actually sat down and spoken to your boys and let them honestly know how you and your husband feel about their careless driving habits? Same conversation that you should have with your daughter you should have with them. If you don’t make a change nothing will change. Are you waiting for something bad to happen? Sometimes we don’t get second chances and as a parent this is our job to make sure our children know that. Your window of opportunity is now to make some changes and make things a little easier for you and your children. You don’t deserve any of this and you can get control of this situation if you want. Hope something here helps.

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Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.


my daughter hates her dad

My daughter hates her dad.

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: I’ve been divorced from my ex since my 9 years. My 14 year old daughter spends weekends and hates going there. My daughter hates her dad. He loves her but has a temper and is very strict. He yells and screams at her but hasn’t touched her. He came close to hitting me once when he cheated on me and it got physical . She is terrified of him and doesn’t want to see him at all. I know i have to deal with this but I don’t know how as the she is over reacting and he may not even realize he is being this way .

He is a scary adult and I tried to help him have a relationship with her but I’m at a loss. He has respect for me so if i try to take him aside he will probably say its coming from me. She is scared for me to even talk to him anyway. I don’t honestly know what to do, any advise would be helpful. Thank you

COACH RICHIE: So sorry to hear about your daughter and the challenges she is having with your ex. When you say my daughter hates her dad has she always felt like this? Even before the divorce? Do you think it is our responsibility as parents to help our spouses have a relationship with our children? What do you believe your daughter needs the most right now? It is so unfortunate that there are parents out there that don’t get it. It sounds as though your ex must be overwhelmed with whatever he has going on in his life and unfortunately when we get overwhelmed and frustrated as adults we project this onto our children and they suffer the consequences of our inability to control our emotions. Does she have to visit him? If she hates him as you say why would she be obligated to go visit him? Just because our parents made us don’t give them the rights to abuse us, control us. Parents don’t own their children.

They are here on their own journey in life and our jobs as parents is to guide them, love them, support them and mentor them to the best of our abilities. When we let our own emotions get in the way. This creates a roadblock and makes for a very disconnected parent. When our children disconnect from us they will look elsewhere for support, guidance, peace, love and trust. They typically find that with their friends (Teen Tribe) which is another bunch of problems which make them followers of life instead of the leaders they are here to become. Have sat down and asked your daughter what she wants without pressuring her to have a relationship with her father? Each time she is there she may have a tremendous amount of anxiety and as parents we unfortunately most of the time fail in helping our kids allow them to display their emotions.

As a result they hold it in and when that happens it leads to depression, cutting, suicidal thoughts, drugs, alcohol and a long list of challenges that allow them to either retreat into their own world or find releases for those suppressed emotions. As a parent our job is to ensure our children are safe even if that means staying away from a parent that is exhibiting toxic behavior. In the end it should be your daughters choice so if you want to help her let her make that choice. Then maybe your ex will realize his behavior. But then again maybe he won’t. That is his journey and not yours. It is especially not our jobs to fix others. Even though at some level we may have feelings for our ex’s, may feel bad for them, want our children not to miss out having a relationship with them. In the end it is our children that must decided because they know more than we know what is best for them. You got this mom.

You are doing an incredible job in a very difficult situation. We just need to reminder ourselves that we are only human, we are not here to fix others and that every know and then we just need to sit back take a deep breath and let things run it’s course and accept everything that is. When we regret the past or worry about the future we miss the most important thing of all. Watching our children grow up and experience life front in front of us. Hope you find something here that helps. All my love and support on your journey. All my love and support. Coach Richie XO

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Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.


The Terrible Teens Talk Show

My child is headed for trouble

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: I am so angry that I’m struggling to make a decision as to what to do. I fear my child is headed for trouble. I have just found nearly 400 dollars in my 16 yrs old son’s bedroom. I have noticed some changes in his behavior over the last few weeks. Hanging around with a bad crowd, coming home in the early hours of the morning when he’s supposed to be in at 9:00 pm, drinking and drugs etc! I confronted him last week with a youth a counselor and the police and hoped we’d made him think about his choices. This week he’s come home on time but is avoiding me. So what do I do now??

COACH RICHIE: Yes, it is so frustrating as a parent to see our children go down a different path that we expected. When we believe our child is headed for trouble it awakens a fear and anxiety in us that is unbearable. We expected that our children would be a certain way and we would parent a certain way. But here we are. Our expectations have been crushed and our child has taken a different path. The first thing we need to do is realize and accept that we can’t be that parent that we thought we were going to be no more than our child can be the child we envisioned them to be.

When teens take a turn down the wrong path in life it typically involves a disconnection from their parent, challenges with friends or some type of issues in the home. When they don’t feel connected they go outside of our parenting sphere of influence to that Teen Tribe. Where the motto is big trouble. In that tribe they have to fit in, which means drugs, hating their parents cutting school and so on. If they don’t conform to the tribes mentality then they will voted out. Which is the worst thing that can happen to a teenager. Not being wanted and not fitting in.

When you say you spoke and confronted him what tone of voice did you have? Typically when we confront our children that are not behaving as we expected we lash out at them in the heat of the moment. We are emotional based creatures and when we come from a place of emotion, especially fear they can feel that and they want to run as far as they can from it.

So what can you do. #1 think of 3 things you know he is thinking about you and his home life. #2 find sometime to have a conversation with him (not in the home, that is not neutral territory) grab lunch, discuss on a car ride etc. #3 when you are alone with him. Tell him you are bad parent. Yes….it works almost every time. Say something to the effect. using the 3 things that you know he is thinking about you. “I know you are angry, frustrated (fill in emotion) because I don’t understand, listen, see (Whatever he is thinking of you). #4 Then say “Is this true”. He will either say yes or really tell you what is going on. Give hims some space to let him think about it. This will hit him from nowhere and it will get him to go to his logical human brain instead of the reptile brain where teens can’t reason or be logical. When he finishes. #5 Say “how hard does it get for you when I don’t listen, see, yell, (Whatever you are doing wrong again). Then give him more space to answer you. Dead silence and eyes at the ceiling are a sign that it is working. #6 then say I want to be a better parent to you so can you give me some advice on what I can do so you don’t feel as though I am failing you which is making you angry, etc.

Then if the starts align he will tell you what he needs to have happen. Please do all this without denying, judging, rescuing, fixing or lecturing him. Our job in this stage is to listen with our ears and acknowledge the challenges that they are going through. This is the start of reconnecting with a teenager. Once you have broke through the mask of anger they will be comfortable showing their true feelings which they are not allowed to show with that teen tribe. Hope this helps and you got this all day mom. We can love them or control them but we can’t do both because they are on their own journey in life and we are merely passengers along for the ride to love, guide, support and mentor them and hopefully keep them on the road. They are in the drivers seat and we just need to accept that fact and take some pressure off ourselves. Hope you find something here that helps.

All my love and support on your journey in life.

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FREE HOW TO RAISE A SUCCESSFUL TEEN MASTERCLASS

Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.



Are we pressuring our child

Are we pressuring our child?

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: My 11 year old son is having a play and he has told me very strongly that he does not want me or his father there. I have tried talking with him about it but he will not tell us the reason why. I’m guessing it’s because he’s afraid of messing up in front of us, but he won’t tell us. Are we pressuring our child? I can’t tell you how sad this makes me. I mean all parents go to their kids activities. I’m paying for the costume and I feel like I have a right to go see him. Should we honor his ask? We’d probably be the only parents not there.

COACH RICHIE: That is the question. Are you pressuring your child? What do you think the reason is for him to be afraid of messing up? Was there an incident in the past that he is pulling from that would make him hesitant? What about if you had a conversation with him about a time in your past or present when you messed up? Our children sometimes look at us like GOD’s. we are perfect we never make mistakes. When we show them we aren’t perfect sometimes that is enough to open the door to allow them to be vulnerable as well. Boys are typically raised to hide their emotions because they have to be strong.

I have no idea what the dynamic is in your house. But my house was we couldn’t show any sign of weakness. However, if you open up a little bit about a personal experience where you messed up he will see that he is not alone and we all mess up and it never matters. It would be also great if his dad shared something like this. All he wants is your approval and doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. Just one more thing.You mentioned because you are paying for the costume that you have the right to see him in the play? Do you believe that is true? Do you really believe that this is our right as a parent just because we pay for something for them? So when we purchase something for our kids it comes with conditions? I don’t think they are really aware of that.

I did it with my kids when they were younger not even knowing I was doing it. What do you think he needs to hear from you and his dad right now? What do you think he is really afraid of? What would you need if you were in his shoes? Hope you find something here that helps. We can love them or control them but we can’t do both. 🤘

All my love and support on your parenting Journey

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FREE HOW TO RAISE A SUCCESSFUL TEEN MASTERCLASS

Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.



How to communicate with an angry teenager