The RelaitionShifter Volume 1, Issue #2

“My partner treats their friends and co-workers better than they treat me!” “My partner respects the dog more than they respect me!” These are some of the statements I hear from partners that end up in my couples counseling program. Today I am going to share with you 4 Relationship Life Lessons To Get Your Partner To Treat You Better So You Both Can Live Happily Ever After!

Don’t we all envision a happily ever after when we first meet our partner and get into a relationship or get married? Unfortunately, life would never be that easy because we get into relationships because of our basic need for survival, that is why we look for partners that are complete opposites of us and that is what makes relationships tough. We want a partner who has something we do not have and it is like two people searching each other out to create a dream team of 2 that can take on the world. Our differences in the honeymoon phase of our courtship become barriers to relationship growth. Therefore, we have to accept that partner conflict it is one of those guarantees in life, like death and taxes. We then after appreciate how different they are from us and with that goes respecting their values, opinions and perspectives.

Opposites attract and have disagreements!. Couples arguments and disagreements are at the root of why partners stop treating each other well. Years of couples conflict, judgment, criticism and contempt, breeds resentment. When partners start taking each other for granted and resent each other they put their relationship on cruise control they stop working on the relationship. What did you partner do when you first met that you loved and appreciated? If you are struggling in your relationship now I bet they are not doing that thing any longer! Why? Because it is work and other things start taking priority so we stop prioritizing the most important thing which is our partner and our relationship. I hear every excuse in the book for not nurturing relationships. “I am working extra hours for my family”, Have you ever asked them if that is what they want? “We have to put the kids first”, When partners put their children first they neglect their relationship. Aren’t we smart enough and evolved as a species that we can do both? I believe that we have to put our partners first because if we are not a great team who do you think will struggle? The kids!

When partners do not prioritize each other and the relationship is set on cruise control they are not seeing or hearing each other until one of them is screaming so loud either verbally or non-verbally with their attitude and behaviors. This is typically when the couple realize that they have big problems. Some couples let their relationship suffer for so long, the only thing left to do is try couples counseling before divorce. Unfortunately, I have seen couples that wait to long and no matter what magic I can bring it is not enough to rollback years and years of resentment. However, if partners can develop the appropriate relationship habits and skills they can heal any broken relationship, reconnect, work as a team that can take on the world and live happily ever after just like you have seen in the movies and in fairytales. On the other hand, If you have no hope, well there will be no hope and without hope there is no motivation for change!

In the 80’s a research decided to do a study on individuals who were happy in their relationships and what they did differently than people who were miserable. After years of research they spent time studying partners, attitudes, behaviors, values, communication preferences, anger and level of intimacy in their relationships. They monitored their vital signs, took blood samples and video recorded their interactions. Then 15 years later they followed up to see what had happened to those couples over the course of time . They were curious about who was still together, who was happy or unhappy in their relationship and most important what specific things were different from the couples that were happy and stayed together as opposed to the ones that weren’t. Brent Atkinson, PHD. This is the basis of some of the first two lessons below that I utilize along with the other 2 lessons in my couples counseling program.

Lesson #1: Individual habits are more important than couple habits. Yes, This is counterintuitive to the typical couples counseling session where couples meet each week and yell at each other and the therapist sits there refereeing the fight and they will do it all again next week. One of the most important individual habits that the research found was that the way in which individuals react when they feel frustrated with their partner is strongly correlated to the reason their partner keeps making them frustrated. It is a vicious cycle of one partner triggering the other one, until the conversation ends or someone walks away in frustration. When we react in a negative way to our partner we should expect the same negative response from them and this is a guarantee, yes along with death and taxes!

I have worked with couples that only communicated through text and when they have a text argument I can always point out the comment, dig, statement, criticism or contempt that derails the conversation and makes it an argument. It is typically enlightening for partners to see how they got off track. First, having a disagreement about the size of the turkey they are getting for Thanksgiving and the next thing they know they are trash talking their in-laws! So, one of my favorite relationship skills derives from my Nana, who said “Think before you speak”. It is simple and effective because we can recondition our brains to stop reacting by simply thinking about what we are going to say and reflecting upon how that will land on our partner. What stops us from thinking before we speak is the emotional reaction we have to our partners triggering behavior or statement. We only have a split second to catch our selves before we say something that we will regret. So take a breath when you feel triggered and think before you speak. Once you implement this practice there will be less arguing and they will start treating you better because they won’t feel judged, criticized or attacked at every turn. If you need some additional support check out this article on how to really think before you speak.

Lesson #2: If you have been trying for more than a couple of months to get your partner to treat you better it is highly probable that your plan is dysfunctional. Why, because we only know what we know from our parents and I hope you pause for a pretty good laugh on this one. Our parents had no idea what they were doing, neither did our grandparents and for generations we have all been clueless with regards to understanding how to foster healthy relationships. So what makes us any different…absolutely nothing until today! When you develop a full set of relationship skills you will be in a much better position to get your partner to treat you better because you are treating them better. If one partner is not open-minded or inflexible the other partner has their work cut out for them, however it is not impossible…just more work! If the relationship is worth it, you can do the work and get your partner to change. There are instances when no matter what you do they are unwilling to make a shift and that is when you have some decisions to make about your future with them.

So what do you need to do different? From the Pragmatic/Experiential Theoretical approach couples learn the balance of Tough and Tender. If you haven’t found the right balance this is why your attempts at getting better treatment has failed. You are either are too tough which is a combination of being overly critical and inflexible or too soft which we call partners who are “Doormat's'“ in the relationship. For the too tough partners we need to acknowledge that how we approach our partners in times of frustration is too critical we will get something similar in return. If you are a “My way or the Highway” partner, your motto is “I never do anything wrong and you are an idiot” which can be tiresome for the other partner because this erodes their self-esteem overtime and what do you think they will do? They will eventually find someone that doesn’t do that to them and loves them for who they are! Need more information. Check out this article for the 7 signs of doom in a relationship!

So stop being a know-it-all and give your partner some equal regard in the relationship before they turn to someone else who will!. For the “Doormatters” out there, that are way to soft,. You need to start standing up for yourself in a assertive way and stop allowing them to bulldoze you over. The Doormatters say to themselves “I don’t want the drama or I will rise above it”. This is “Partner Dismissiveness 101” and your way of shutting down your partner so they can’t say anything. So put on your big person pants and make a stand and explain to them in a nice way that you don’t like to be spoken to in that manner because it makes you feel _______ (insert your feeling here)! Once you find the balance between tough and tender your partner will start seeing you and respecting you and being treated better will follow.

Lesson #3 If you are a fixer, stop fixing and start validating feelings. What is a fixer? Well I come across fixers in almost all of the work I do with heterosexual couples. A majority of the time the fixer is the male. My definition of a fixer. A fixer is an individual whose brain is in continuous problem solving mode who does not hear what their partner is saying. This fixer brain was a great thing a million years ago when our ancestors were being chased by dinosaurs that haven’t eaten in a week and had to protect their family with a rock. However, today the fixer brain is helpful for certain tasks such as problem solving things in a career, navigating a multitude of life challenges and obviously fixing broken things. Unfortunately, the fixer brain is not helpful at all when we are in relationships because when our partner is talking, all we are thinking about is how to solve whatever problem they are talking about. Same applies to talking to our teenagers. Stop trying to fix them and start listening and hearing what they are telling you through their words or behaviors.

The fixer conversation is typically my first conversation in my individual couple sessions when I determine who the fixer in the relationship is. So when the partner who is talking about how horrible their day was or what an a**hole their boss is, the fixers is wanting to solve their partners problem and that is sweet. However, their partner does not want their problem solved and you will know that when you tell them to apply for another job somewhere else or stop taking on so many things that make their day horrible. When our partners tell us their woes in life the fixer should not be fixing because when their brain is in fixing mode they are not hearing or seeing their partner and that is frustrating to them. Do you want to get your partner to treat you better? Than stop fixing unless they ask you for help and start validating their feelings. A statement like “OMG your boss is such an a**hole and that must be so frustrating to put up with their bullsh*t everyday.” Will be music to their ears and have them saying to themselves “My partner really understands me and feels what I am going through”. This stuff takes a lot of practice, especially when someone has trouble switching from fixer to validator but it can be done and it works very well! Take a look at the video below to see it in practice.

Lesson #4 Stop looking at what’s wrong with the picture and reflect upon what is right!
I offer a plethora of psychoeducation in my couples sessions as well as my family sessions with children and teenagers about how our minds have a naturally tendency to see what is wrong with the picture. Why is that? We have to go back to the stone age again because our predecessors needed this for survival because if you are not looking out for the hungry lion that is interested in dinner than you are going to become dinner. Hence the wonderful world of our anxiety! Therefore, our brains our programmed to keep us safe and unfortunately it has challenges deciphering what is dangerous and what is just plain annoying. So when your partner buys the wrong kind of laundry detergent instead of seeing what is wrong with the picture you could say something like “Thank you so much for going to the store to get me the laundry detergent and I know I was not specific enough about the brand because there are like 1000 different types of the same brand and what I can do next time is text you a picture of the brand that works best for our clothes”. Isn’t this a much better response when you see what is right with the picture, instead of saying something like “You got the wrong brand and you didn’t listen to me when I tell you exactly what I needed, you never listen to what I say”. If you responded like this, how open do you think your partner is going to be to speak to you for the rest of the day or even go to the store for you again? Most likely they will not and what they heard from this is that they are a useless person who can’t get anything in life right. How do you think that would make them feel? Enough of these altercations will put you and your partner in a relationship spiral of death. So if you start seeing what is right with the picture and deliver any suggestions to what could have done better with a nice beautiful bow you will get your partner to start treating you better. This will result in them being more responsive to your needs and BTW you will help them with a boost of self-esteem which is always a good thing in relationships.

Happily ever after is what it is all about. So what are you waiting for! Embrace these 4 relationship life lessons today because being unhappy for a moment is a moment too long and don’t you think you both deserve better!

My couples counseling approach is a combination of individual and couples work. Individual work is the priority to help each partner discover what they are doing that is not helpful to the relationship. This concept with the theoretical approach helps couples reconnect and re-establish communication even after years of challenges and struggles. It is never to late until it is!

Richard Pryor, ACMHC, MS