My Child is cutting herself

My child is cutting herself

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: I need some help.  my children are completely disconnected I mean they wont help at all they have the same chores they wont due till I lose my shit  they refuse to clean their room but they stayed glued to the phones 24/7 I mean my 11 year old child is cutting herself If I threaten the phones they say they will die or they will go sit on the highway  we have a lot of land, ATV’s, ETC.

I’d buy them horses but I don’t want to take care of them to and I know they wont so how many have taken all electronics away from there kids and for how long I was thinking I’d keep the phones at the end of the day after chores homework and baths they could have 1hr of phone time if all was done correctly.. but I’m also nervous this will make them even more lazy just to drive me nuts

COACH RICHIE: So sorry to hear about the challenges you are having with your children. Parenting is the toughest job on the planet. Aside from the chores it sounds like your 11 year old is having some major troubles. When you say the my child is cutting herself. Cutting is a sign of suppressing ones emotions. Punishment typically does not work. It only pushes them further away from us. Couple of questions to ask yourself. Why is getting them to clean their room so important to you?

My wife would go ape shit and I would just close the door. it is there room and as long as I don’t see rats walking around in the house it really wasn’t enough to stress me out and make me lose my shit. When you were a child did you have to clean your room? . When you were young did you have a lot of rules and chores in the house? If so, how did it make you feel having to do those things, when sometimes kids just want to be kids. When we take things away from children it makes them even angrier because those little devices are what is connecting them to the outside world (especially their friends, Teen Tribe).

We need to understand as parents that although we created these little creatures we certainly don’t own them. That also means when we think we own them and we shout orders at them how do we think they feel about that? Like we are trying to control them. Especially children approaching their teenage years. So that aside the pressing things is your comment about my daughter is cutting herself. She is cutting to release painful emotions. Some trauma in her life that she is holding onto and when they cut it is a release because they can feel the pain. So for a moment how can you understand your 11 year old’s world? What do you think is the reason she is cutting?

What is going on in her life and why don’t you think she is talking to you about it? When we use language like losing our shit our children sometimes don’t want to see us in that state so they will shut down and hold it all in. Is she having challenges in school, troubles in the home, if you are married troubles in your relationship, troubles with siblings, troubles with their friends (boy or girl challenges). What about if you started doing something different with them.

What is the worst thing that could happen if you let them live in their pig sty room for a month or so? Without you saying a word to them? Without it making you crazy? Just popping into the room when they are in there and saying. Hi, just want to tell you how much I love that you are my child? Would that freak them out or what? If we want them to help around the house we need to be connected with them. Would you want to help someone out that you really didn’t like. Our kids feel this way when we punish them, take things away, order them around and lose our shit on them.

Your child that is cutting. Have you spoken to her one on one and asked her about what she is feeling? She may be depressed and not feel like cleaning her room or doing anything else. Depression doesn’t give us energy. It drains us of everything we have. So how do you get through to her. Share with her a story of a time when you had a challenge in life past or present that made you sad, depressed, angry, etc. Come from your heart when speaking with her and don’t need anything in return at the moment. if she speaks just listed to her and if she shares a feeling don’t deny or ignore it. acknowledge how she feels about what is going on. The next conversation you could open up with something like. I am trying to understand how you feel.

Then throw yourself under the bus. It works almost every time. Tell her you know that you are not listening to her or understanding her and say. I believe this is possibly why you are feeling angry with me. I usually try to think of 3 things my kids think of me that they are thinking and tell it to them. Then ask her is this true? She will either say yes or correct you and tell you what you are doing wrong. in their minds we are always doing something wrong.

But the way to have loving connections with our children is to listen when they speak and not be quick to judge, lecture, rescue or advise. Just listen to them because now is the time when they need us them most. When they are in crisis and when you say that my daughter is cutting herself it may be time to get some professional help involved.When we accept our children’s behavior in the moment we can accept the person they are and start learning how to become the parent they need us to be instead of the parent we had dreams of being. You got this. all day mom. We can love them or control them but we can’t do both.

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Always anonymous.




I don’t trust my daughter

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: I’m at my breaking point and any negativity will not go well with me. I don’t trust my daughter.
For the past 2 months I made the decision to move across country with my daughter back to where my family is. We have all the support we need back there. It’s a huge change. Very bitter sweet.
My daughter has been on board with this move. Actually has wanted it to happen for a few yrs. But for some damn reason had been making the poorest decisions since. Caught her lying about where she was. Smoking weed, got in trouble in school for having a vape pen, constantly skipping and today got caught by the police skipping. Has to attend a 5 week class to avoid going to juvenile hall. I already had the plane tickets to fly back, and now have to cancel everything.
I don’t have a life because I’m constantly on my toes and I don’t trust my daughter.
I guess I wrote this because I’m just tired. I feel broken. I feel like I’m failing as a parent. And it doesn’t matter how hard I try, she is constantly making poor decisions that are affecting the both of us.

COACH RICHIE: You sound really exhausted and frustrated. When you say I don’t trust my daughter, is there something inside of you that you don’t trust about yourself? When our kids start to get into trouble it is a sign of something wrong in their world. A change in their lives, something going on in school or having troubles at home. These problems cause a disconnect with us as parents and when that happens they turn to their teen tribe for support and guidance. The teen tribe is all about the tribe. They have a shared identity. Which means they all smoke weed, get into trouble, cut school, do drugs, defiant to and most times hate their parents.

They are searching for a place to fit in. The worst thing that can happen to a teenager is them feeling left out. So when they want to fit in they will sacrifice everything. including grades, etc. You haven’t failed as a parent. It is just that your daughter is finding herself. Maybe she didn’t like who she was before. Maybe she is trying to tell you something about the move and she doesn’t know how to express herself.

When children go through their teenage years they are learning about their emotions and it takes a long time. So they are either hot or cold, happy or sad, hateful or loving. A couple of questions you can ask yourself. What do you think your daughter needs more than anything write this moment? What are you really scared of? What are your expectations of her? Are any of these expectations satisfying a need within you? What would you say if she said she really didn’t want to move? Sometimes children say they are on board and really aren’t. They just want to try and please us.

A couple of more questions. When you say you don’t trust her? Do you think she trusts you? Sometimes we reflect onto our children challenges we are having in our own life?

Where in your life could you have possibly betrayed her trust? Our kids are very smart and very aware and watch and hear everything we do. They know we are lying before we even do. So her poor behavior is causing you to cancel your plans. Do you think this may be part of her plan and didn’t know how to tell you so maybe she did this what out even thinking about it because she doesn’t want to move? We have so many expectations for our children and think we should be parenting a certain way and when that plan goes south we beat ourselves up about it calling ourselves bad parents. What if we thought of it in another light? What about dropping our expectations about our children (we don’t own them) and be the parent that need us to be not the one we imagined. So what do you think your daughter needs now? What about a chat about the move?

Maybe she is really scared? What about if you shared your feelings with her about the move? What about if she just needs someone to listen to her without any judgement, fixing or rescuing?

It is time to exhale and approach our children with the love that they need instead of the love we thought we should be giving them. If they don’t feel connection to an adult this is when the challenges begin because they will do anything in their power to be part of their teen tribe. So how do you win her back? Time and patience and being their to guide, support, mentor and love her on whatever path she takes on her journey. We already had our journey and it is their turn to have their own. Hope you can find something in this that helps you . Hang in their you are an awesome mom. You got this. They eventually get older and if all goes well they will have children just like themselves.

Coach Richie XO

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Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.



Voices Mom that feels like a bad parent

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Voices Mom that feels like a bad parent and she has these feelings of not being enough. The other day I was coaching a group of mom’s that are living in a sober home. A mom spoke up  who was constantly felt put down by her parents when she was young. They told her that she should be more like her brother. The athlete, star student, fancy dresser and social butterfly. She grew up feeling unworthy, unloved and used drugs and alcohol to cope with her depression and not feeling like she was enough. Then ran away at the age of 14 years old to live on the streets.

As her parenting journey evolved she found herself using the same tactics on her own children. She mentioned in one of our conversations that her 6 year old daughter was needy and her 8 year old son was rough around the edges. I repeated her words to her in the following conversation.

Coach Richie: “So you believe your daughter is needy and your son is rough around the edges.” She paused for a moment and said.

Mom: “Well not really. When you say it like that it sounds like I am a bad parent.”
I explained to her that I was just restating the exact language she just used.

Coach Richie: “Was there a time in you felt needy or rough around the edges?” She paused and her eyes started to glaze over. Then a tear fell from her eye and rolled down her cheek as she spoke.

Mom: “Yes. I feel that way now in my correct situation and my substance challenges. My parents used very similar words when I was younger and now, I am using the same words to describe my children.”

Coach Richie:  I asked, “Are those words the truth?”
She wiped the tears from her eyes with an open hand as she sniffled and said “No. When I was a child, I just needed my parents love and attention. They failed at giving me this and I turned to friends and drugs to find comfort and love”

Then as she started to compose herself, I asked her.

Coach Richie: “How did you feel when your parents said these things to you, when all you needed was attention.”

Mom: Saying in a faint voice. “that they didn’t love me”.

Then I proceeded with the second question.

Coach Richie: “How do you think your children feel when you say they are needy and rough around the edges. After a minute more tears started falling from her heavy eyes.

Mom: “They feel as though I don’t love them and they are not enough”.

Coach Richie: “How does that make you feel?”

Mom:  She paused and took a deep breath and cleared her throat. ” Like a bad mom”.

Then I want on to explain that we do the best we can as parents with the resources we have and the parents that raised us and taught us the best they could. There is no such thing as a bad parent. Only a parent that doesn’t know better. Because when we know better, we do better. That is all we can do.

Coach Richie: So, I asked her a final question. “What do you need to do better now that you know better?”

Mom: “I need to love my kids more and accept them for who they are and not burden them with my own fears and lack that I have in my life.

Coach Richie:” How do you think they will feel about that?

Mom: She said. “Hopefully good and she ended with a little smile.

Coach Richie: “And if they are not good, what can you do about that.”

Mom: “I can just keep trying to do better”

Having challenges in your life with life, parenting or relationships. If you are a parent you are not alone.
If this resonates with you and you need someone to help you explore your inner world and do some self-discovery. Please check out some of the resources below that may be able to help you on your parenting journey and expedition in life.

All my love and support.
Coach Richie xo

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Every Day should be Mothers day.

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Where would we be without you moms? We know every day should be Mothers day.

You moms are the glue that holds the family together, the duct tape of life that keep the family machine churning at all costs. The sacrifices you make are ones of true saints and superheroes. It is a very thankless job that never gets the appreciation and gratitude that you are entitled to. Oh yes, and the pay really sucks…Right!

Day in and day out you fight the fight, struggling with all the challenges of parenting while at the same time juggling a career, household duties, a social life and possibly a relationship your partner. How does all this running around make you feel? Exhausted, overwhelmed, tired, sad, stressed? Sometimes do you feel like you are constantly giving, and everybody is taking? We get so used to your superhuman actions that we began to take you for granted. Why do we take you mom’s for granted, children and partners to be specific? Because we think you love being a parent, our servant, our cook, our maid, our uber driver, our teacher, our romantic partner and so much more. You are always willing to sacrifice everything for seeing your family happiness through to the end; including chasing your own dreams, passions and purpose in life. That is the unconditional love that you moms provide to your children and families. We are truly sorry for not hearing you and we know every day should be mothers day.

Do we ever ask you how you feel? How you are doing? Do you need anything? Are we loving you enough? What are your dreams? What do you want from life? Most likely nobody is asking you these questions. Has anyone asked you if you feel worn out, feel neglected, unloved, sad, depressed because you are on treadmill with no off switch and juggling everyone’s lives at the same time? Do we ever ask if you can see that that small glimmer of hope in that darkest tunnel? Do we ask if you ever feel overwhelmed at times?  Do any of us realize how much work being you really is? Catering to all these different personalities with their unique challenges. Referring battles between siblings, fending off sexual advances from your partners? Honey when are we going to have sex again? Honestly, I am so fucking tired that I don’t think I washed today and after getting breakfast ready, getting the kids off to school, working 8 hours dealing with crazy people, coming home cooking dinner, doing homework, trying to teach the kids some lessons about life and tucking them in to bed. “Do you really believe that I feel like being romantic. All I want is a minute of peace and a vat of wine.” So, I can fall asleep and hopefully get enough sleep to be ready to do it all over again! We are truly sorry for not seeing you. We know every day should be mothers day.

Sorry, dad’s that is not the way to win their hearts. That is certainly not the way to romance them into having passionate love. That is called taking them for granted. So, try and understand their world for a second. Understand what their lives are like when we go off to work and come home and the family machine is cranking away. Most of the time they don’t even tell us what transpired over the course of their day because they are so busy worrying about everyone else and they want to protect our own feelings. That is the sacrifices that you mom’s make every second of the day.

It is time for us as children and spouses to step back and put ourselves in your superhuman mom shoes. Realize that you are the glue that is holding all this chaos and multipile personality disorders all together. Most children and partners think they have challenges with their life. They are selfish about their own needs and never think of what you need.  They never realized what life would be like without you as this amazing Mom. Like maybe 1000X worse. They don’t take time to understand what you encounter over the course of your day, the challenges you overcome, the sacrifices you make, the band aids that you use to patch up problems that pop up every second of the day that hold the family together for hopefully another day as you fall into bed at night, mentally and physically exhausted for just wanting to have a family. They fail to understand that you rarely put any of your needs first. A mom’s first instinct is for her family, their safety, their well-being, their happiness and their future. The sacrifices are immense all because you cannot say no because you want the best for everyone except for you. You are truly the Rock Star Mom’s of our world and we need to start seeing you as the loving, empathetic, supportive and compassionate human being you are instead of the machine we see operating without a pause or breath. They all need to understand that you have a purpose to fulfill on your journey of life. You have passions that want to pursue a dream you want to fulfill.  Understand that you want more than you are getting and very rarely say one word about it. We are truly sorry for not knowing how you want to be loved. We know every day should be mothers day.

So, all you children out there start being grateful that you have a Rock Star Mom. There are so many children out there that grew up with no mom or one that had big challenges which left them in no condition to be there for their children and family. These children fail because they didn’t have a mom that helped them pursue their dreams, a guide to help them out with challenges and barriers they faced along the way. The prisons, sober houses and homeless shelters are filled with children who didn’t have a chance because for one reason or another, didn’t have a mom that had their best interests at heart like your mom does.

Next time you are thinking about creating some turmoil in your mom’s lives with breaking rules, poor behavior, telling them you hate them or physically abusing them. Please stop and think “What reason in the world would I have that my mom would deserve this type of pain in her life.” When all she does is love the heck out of me and try to give me all the things in life she didn’t have. She makes so many sacrifices for us and to treat her with anything other love, trust, respect and honor is a failure on my part as her child. She did not raise me like this! I have to start praising her for her unrelentless pursuit to create a home filled with love and harmony. I need to start being grateful that she is part of our lives and think about how many other children in this world don’t have mom like mine.

I am going to stop taking her for granted because I will never know what tomorrow holds. Life is ever changing, and we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Do I want to live a life filled with regret if the last conversation I have with my mom is one of hatred, anger and abuse? How do you think that will make me feel tomorrow, the next day, the next year, the rest of my life?  We only have one chance in this life to do the right thing and love our mom’s unconditionally.

They are doing the best they can with the resources they have and are kicking serious ass in doing it. We are imperfect human beings, we all make mistakes, we are not GOD’S. So, when we make a bad call in your eyes, we need a little flexibility and a ton of forgiveness because there is no manual for moms with all the answers. When you think your mom is wrong or being unfair. Please, STOP and remember, they are doing the best with what they have in the moment and their heart is in the right place because they want the best for your world. Aren’t we all doing the best we can?

We need to start accepting each other for the journey that each of us are on. So, maybe the next time you want to act out and say something mean to her. Think to yourself, “What if this is the last time, I am going to see my mom?” Is this how I want to remember our relationship and her? Do I want to carry around a feeling of guilt for the rest of my life? It happens every single day to people just like you and I and we don’t think twice about it. Because. “That will never happen to us”. Well it does, all the time, we chose not to see it. When it does, we never see it coming. That is what life is. Unpredictable, Unexplainable and sometimes Unforgiving. These are the some of consequence of having a chance to play this incredible game of life.

4 years ago, we lost our son and it destroyed the world that we were so accustomed to. Did we sometimes take each other for granted? Sure, we all do at some level because we all think we have a tomorrow. A chance to make things right. A second chance to tell them how much we love them. Another opportunity to apologize for our foolish behavior and saying horrible things out of anger. We live our lives based on a tomorrow and fail to appreciate the moment.

We are so grateful that we had this incredible relationship filled with love, acceptance and compassion with our son Richie & Matthew. Because if we didn’t the guilt would have most likely destroyed our existence. Our last goodbye was one of love, happiness and joy and we are truly grateful that we have this last loving memory. If we didn’t that is one wound that will never heal. It will eat away at your mind and your heart every waking day of your life. It will chase you in your dreams and be with you every moment you have a quite moment to think. I speak to parents and children that lived their life thinking about a tomorrow and live with tremendous burdens of guilt that consume their lives leaving them depressed, distraught and permanently damaged. That is the price that is paid for not finding love in each moment.

So, if you don’t think bad things happen to good people, think again! They happen every single second of the day. Therefore, why waste the precious moments of the now for an unknown future. Make that commitment to love your mom in every moment you can, show them gratitude and respect because we are guaranteed any second chances to make amends and apologize for acting out of our own ego’s need to be right. Would you rather be in love or be right?

You moms are the rock starts in our lives and need to be treated as such. You are entitled to being treated as royalty and showered with flowers and gifts of love. We promise to make sure everyday we make it Mothers Day.

So, from this day forward we will make this pledge of hope to understand your world, give you some slack, love you and accept you for the loving spiritual soul you are.

We promise to tell you we love you in every moment and to give you the hugs of love you need to make sure you know you matter, you are loved and respected and are the Rock Star Mom in our lives and this world  is a better place because of what you do day in and day out.

In closing. To all you Rock Star Mom’s out there. You are truly what makes the world go round.
So keep it real, keep it rocking, forgive yourself, love yourself more, start testing the word NO, take a break, put your feet up, leave the laundry, order take out, start doing things for you, delegate responsibilities (yes to the dad’s) they can handle it and they need more coaching than you think. We are not as strong as our egos think we are. So, help us out by giving us things to do. It helps if we think it is our idea. Soothes those male egos of ours. We are not perfect either even though all the time we think we are. We are truly sorry if we don’t see you or hear you. As your husbands and as the moms of our children we promise to do better. When we know better, we do better. Practice makes better because none of us our perfect.

Finally, moms this is your life so make the time to do the things that you put aside to raise children and make the family run. If we don’t love ourselves how can we possibly expect to love anyone else. So, start loving you, choose yourself for once and take that step #1 towards that dream you gave up on to have a family. One step at a time in pursuit of that thing that puts a smile on your face, brings joy into your heart and a purpose that nourishes your soul.

I will let you in on this last little secret. If you take the foot of the gas, we will all figure it out. We will fail, fall, make bad choices, do stupid things and step all over each other but we will learn life lessons that will help us all grow. Shoot… at the same time we may even start picking up the slack and so you can find you. Because as we all know life is too short to live with regrets and it is never to early to start chasing our dreams. So, have #HOPE and ROCK ON. THE BIGGEST REGRET WE CAN HAVE AS HUMAN BEINGS IS NOT MEETING THE PERSON WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BECOME.

All my love and support on your journey in life and hope you find the fuel you need to reengage with your purpose to satisfy your soul’s desire and live the life you always dreamed of.

Coach Richie
www.richiepryor.com


Tired of Teenager lies.

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DEAR COACH RICHIE: What is a good consequence for a 17 yr old Teenager that lies. She is constantly lying about where she is going ? She never tells me anything and I have no idea what she is doing and can imagine that she is up to no good.

COACH RICHIE: Love her more. When teenager lies get out of control we need to really look within us and question why we think they may be lying. What do you think the reason is for her lying? Do you ever lie to her? Children lie because they fear the consequences and as you can see they never know what the consequences are. Could she be running around with her teen tribe and has become disconnected from you? When teenagers have challenges with their parents that is when disconnection happens. They stop listening to what they say and don’t believe they are entitled to the truth? They are unable to hear someone that they have no connection with. This is what the root of most teenager lying.

Most parents aren’t hearing or seeing their kids either. At some level the child is holding some resentment towards their parents. Which in their minds they believe that we don’t deserve the truth. If I was trying to break though this mask of lies I would start thinking out of the box. Do the unexpected. She expects to be punished. So why not ask her what you are doing wrong as a parent? Or possibly tell her the truth about something you have been possibly keeping from her. Children know a lot more than we give them credit for.

They know we are lying before we even lie. We think we are so smart but they see through all of our masks. We sometimes lie thinking we are protecting them but in reality we are pushing them further away. Ask her some questions then give her some space to answer and not judge, deny or advise. First step in opening the lines of communication is attempt to discover the root cause of the lying. We can love them or control them but we can’t do both. 🤘 you got this . 

Get my new free book. When Parents Fail Children Lose. House Rules of Harmony. A parents guide to help the family win.

Click Here to Get Your FREE BOOK
Click Here to Take Your FREE PARENTING A TEEN MASTERCLASS
Click Here to Discover How you can become a Better Parent and Experience a Happier Life.

Parenting Challenges and nowhere to turn! Send me your challenge and let’s see what we can do to empower you, reduce
some of your stress and help you build a stronger foundation with your children. Email me at whatsup@richiepryor.com .
Always anonymous.